


you push and you pull

by worry



Category: Psych
Genre: Basically. Everyone is trans and no one is straight, Bisexual Male Character, F/M, Gen, Misgendering and transphobia happen but very briefly, Nonbinary Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-20
Updated: 2015-09-20
Packaged: 2018-04-22 15:20:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4840460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worry/pseuds/worry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shawn Spencer was born a boy. He is a boy, and so he has a boy's body, and anyone who says otherwise can go fuck themselves.</p><p>Juliet O'Hara isn't a girl and isn't a boy and just wants to find someone who <i> understands. </i></p><p>Carlton Lassiter likes everyone. Juliet O'Hara likes everyone. Shawn Spencer likes everyone.</p><p>Burton Guster is just trying to figure things out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you push and you pull

_"Hey, Gus," Shawn says, one day when they are twelve, "I need to tell you something."_

 

_Gus motions him over to the couch. "Okay. What is it?"_

 

_Shawn sits down and chews on his long hair, bites down on his nails, shakes, and says: "I'm not... I don't think... I can't tell you, I'm sorry."_

 

_"You can tell me anything. You know that."_

 

_"Promise me you won't tell anyone?"_

 

_"I promise."_

 

_"I'm not a girl," Shawn says, quickly._

 

_"What?"_

 

_"I'm a boy. I've always been a boy."_

 

_Gus stops for a moment, and thinks about this. His best friend is a boy. "So you're... t... t... transgender?" He tries his best to pronounce the word, but fails._

 

_"I guess so."_

 

_"Okay. What name should I use?"_

 

_"Shawn," he says. "My name is Shawn. But you have to keep calling me what everyone calls me, okay? I'm afraid that if I tell someone, they'll think I'm weird or something."_

 

_"Shawn," Gus says. "I like it. And if anyone thinks you're weird, then they're mean and you shouldn't be listening to them anyway."_

 

_"Why are you so cool with this?"_

 

_"Because you're my best friend, Shawn. We're going to be best friends until we die, right? And my best friend is a boy, that's great! I accept you any way you are."_

 

_Shawn pulls him into a hug._

 

_"Best friends until we die."_

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Gus cuts his hair again shortly after._

 

_He cuts Shawn's hair when they are nine, because Shawn asked him to and he can't say no to Shawn when it comes to these things, and it's a very uneven, choppy cut, but Shawn loves it, and shows his father proudly._

 

_"You look like a boy," Henry says. "Gus, go home."_

 

_Shawn learns that he can never tell his father. Henry says that he liked it better when it was long, and Shawn grows it out because he doesn't want to disappoint him._

 

_But. They're twelve years old, almost teenagers, and Shawn thinks that maybe things are different now._

 

_Gus cuts it off in the bathroom, and this time it's a good cut and Shawn thanks Gus over and over again, and makes Gus stay for support when his dad comes home._

 

_"Oh my God," Henry says. "Again? You look like a boy."_

 

 _Shawn holds back tears. "I_ am  _a boy," he says, voice quiet._

 

_"Oh." Henry says. "That's why... okay. Why didn't you tell me?"_

 

_"I was afraid."_

 

_"I don't care about that," he says. "Well, it's a lot to take in, but..."_ _  
_

 

_"Do you hate me?"_

 

_"No. Just... are you sure that you're a boy? Completely sure?"_

 

_"I've known since I was like, eight, dad. I'm sure."_

 

 _It takes a while for Henry to start calling Shawn his son instead of his daughter, but eventually he catches on, and Shawn doesn't cry the first time his dad introduces him to a family friend and says,_ "This is my son, Shawn."  _He doesn't cry until he gets home, and he calls Gus on the phone and tells him and Gus cries along with him._

 

* * *

 

 

 

Shawn Spencer was born a boy. He is a boy, and so he has a boy's body, and anyone who says otherwise can go fuck themselves, but he never really expected  _Lassiter_ to be the one sticking up for him.

 

"You're a freak," a suspect says. "I know you're a girl pretending to be a boy," she says, and turns to Lassiter,  "You're letting this weirdo work for you?"

 

"Hey!" Lassiter says, and pounds his fist on the table. "Spencer is a guy. Okay? And anyone who says they're a boy, or a girl, or a what-the-hell-ever, is a boy or a girl or a whatever. Now, I can't  _stand_ him, don't get me wrong, I hate him, but he's a guy. Now, let's talk about where you were on the night of the murder..." _  
_

 

* * *

 

 

The first time that Juliet hears about Shawn being transgender, she waits until they're alone, and asks: "So, what's it like?"

 

"What's what like? Are you asking me what it's like being incredibly handsome? Because I can tell you, it's not as easy as it looks."

 

"No, Shawn. I mean the whole.. trans thing."

 

Shawn stiffens. "Well, you know, I knew I was a boy since I could think coherently, honestly. And um... Gus, actually, suggested the word 'transgender' to me, and, you know, it fit."

 

He thinks that Juliet is going to laugh at him, or be disgusted, or stop liking him, or  _something,_ but instead, she says: "Can I tell you a secret?' _  
_

 

"Yeah," Shawn says, curiously.

 

"I'm not a girl, either. But I'm not a boy. I'm an... I don't know. I'm an I don't know."

 

"Well," Shawn says, "you can come over to the Psych office for a loving, romantic dinner with me, and then... okay, kidding, unless you  _want_ to have a romantic dinner with me -"

 

" _Shawn._ "

 

"What I was _going_ to say, is that I want you to come over so I can help you figure it out."

 

Juliet nods. "Okay."

 

* * *

 

 

Shawn types into the Google search bar:  _I'm not a girl or a boy. I'm also really beautiful and totally into Shawn Spencer. Help??!?!_

 

"Shawn," Juliet says. "Erase that last part, please."

 

"Why would you want me to erase 'help?'"

 

"You know what I mean. I mean, it  _is_ kind of funny, but..."

 

 _I'm not a girl or a boy,_ he types instead, _what am I?_

 

"Better."

 

Mostly, he finds articles on websites like MTV.com, all of which have disrespectful headlines, but after a few minutes of searching, he finds a word:  _Agender._ _  
_

 

"Hey," Juliet says, "what's  _agender?_ "

 

" _Having no gender at all; genderless,_ " Shawn reads.

 

Juliet feels like everything has just fallen into place. 

 

"Is that how you feel?"

 

"Yeah," Juliet nods. "That's... I think that's me."

 

She gives Shawn a gentle kiss on the cheek. "Thank you, Shawn," she says, " _Really._ "

 

* * *

 

 

"Hey," Gus says, one day, "Shawn, what was your first kiss like? You never told me."

 

"Why?"

 

"Just curious."

 

"Well," Shawn sighs, "I was thirteen, and there was... there was... there was a  _boy_ at our middle school. Maybe you remember him, I think his name was Jackson? Anyway, we were at P.E., and he kissed me, and uh, yeah. Sorry for not telling you."

 

"You like guys, too?"

 

"Yeah, man, I thought you knew? I'm bi. Like,  _super_ bi. How could you possibly not know this?"

 

Gus shrugs, says, "I don't know, sorry," and goes back to reading.

 

* * *

 

 

" _My_ first kiss?" Juliet asks. "Gus, is this really appropriate?"

 

"Sorry, Juliet, you're right, I just..."

 

"It was with a cute guy in freshman year of high-school," she sighs. "I don't remember his name, and it was like, three seconds, so it didn't really count. Oh, and there was that time in junior year with Jessica... and you didn't hear me say that, okay?"

 

Gus winks. "Okay," he says, "thank you."

 

* * *

 

 

"Guster, I am  _not_ telling you that information."

 

"What am I even doing here?" Gus sighs. "I'm just... asking everyone I know, 'cause -"

 

"'Cause you're wondering about who you like?" Lassiter asks. "Yeah, O'Hara told me you asked her the same question. Look, Guster, you should be talking to a certain best friend of yours about this, and not me, but here's a little piece of advice - I like everyone, and if you're not sure who you like, it's okay. You'll figure it out eventually. I realized when I was twenty, but I did."

 

"Thanks," Gus says. "I'll go talk to Shawn about this."

 

"Yeah, you do that."

 

* * *

 

 

"Shawn, I need to ask you a question -"

 

"If you think you're bi, you're probably bi."

 

"How did you - does  _everyone_ know?"

 

"Pretty much," Shawn says. "And apparently, I'm now a walking encyclopedia of every name for every gender identity and sexuality, so I think I can help you."

 

"Walking encyclopedia? What... never-mind. Can you really help?"

 

"Sit with me," Shawn says. "Do you like ladies?"

 

"Uh,  _yeah,_ " Gus says. _Obviously_ he likes ladies.

 

"And when you look at other guys, do you feel the same way that you do about girls?"

 

"I think so."

 

"Well, then there you have it!"

 

Gus nods. "Thank you, Shawn. I never thought it'd be that simple, for some reason."

 

"You're welcome! Any time you need me for things like this, I'm here for you, buddy."

 

"I really appreciate it. Come here."

 

He motions for Shawn to hug him.

 

"Are we really going to do this?"

 

"Yeah, we're really going to do this. Come on."

 

Shawn gives in and hugs him.

 

"Best friends until we die, remember?"

 

"Best friends until we die."

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> "You push and you pull and you tell yourself no  
> It's like when you lie down, the veins grow in slow  
> You push and you pull  
> But you'd never know  
> I crept up in you and I  
> Wouldn't let go" - Push & Pull / Purity Ring.


End file.
